Certificate of Fashion Achievement

Award Season is not just relegated to the Music and Film industries; those who work in academia know that we also have our Spring parade of excellence. For those on the other side, receiving or seeing someone receive an award, avoid sitting near the actual faculty if possible unless you want to hear such lovely comments as:

“He hasn’t been to my class in months.”

“That child needs a butt kicking.”

“She’s getting a Certificate of Achievement? For what? Breathing?”

It’s not that we hate all students, but instead we have reached the end of the semester and we are tired. We need a vacation away from our darlings. So gathering to celebrate them sometimes leaves us cranky, particularly when some the darlings in question are failing our classes. (On the flip side, we will cheer enthusiastically for those students who really do deserve the honors they are getting.)

Another point of discussion among the weary faculty? Fashion. What the students elect to wear for their big night gives us something to giggle about. And so, if you are one of those lucky students, here are Amber’s Academic Awards Ceremony Fashion Rules:

  1. Unless you are planning to hop a plane to Vegas after exiting the stage, avoid any dress that could and/or has been worn to a club. Same applies to dresses that have been worn to a cocktail party or prom or in a wedding.
  2. Don’t wear a dress that could double as Spanx.
  3. You will be walking across a stage (most likely). Now is not the time for the platforms that you can’t actually walk in.
  4. Make sure that as you go up the stairs, the hemline of your skirt will not go in the same direction.
  5. Remove the cap/hat. Be smart enough to figure out that in doing that, you will reveal hair that may not have seen daylight for years. Accordingly, brush your hair.
  6. The Dean’s List is not a place for boobies or booties. Cover ’em up.
  7. If you are being inducted into some sort of organization that involves candles (Phi Theta Kappa, for example), remember that hair spray is flammable. Your hair may be closer to God, but so will your body and the bodies of those around you if caution is not exercised.
  8. Nothing says “I am too cool for your award” like flip flops, jeans, and a knock off Ed Hardy Shirt. Do us all a favor–if you think you are too cool for the award, don’t come. It means we’ll all get to go home sooner.
  9. Avoid jewelry that can double as a weapon.
  10. Try smiling. No one is forcing you to be recognized. If you look happy about it, we might actually be happy for you (well, maybe).

Until next time,

XO

A

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