. . . I had more time to read.
. . . I knew how to make things ‘from scratch’ without a cookbook.
. . . I had time to make things out of a box at least.
. . . I had 20 puppies.
. . . I could interrupt really boring stories with comments like “Remind me to tell you about the time I looked into the heart of an artichoke,” and get away with it.
. . . I had more patience.
. . . I could be one of those cool rocker chicks like Patti Smith and Chrissie Hynde who are so stylish despite seeming to be above it all.
. . . I could be a vegan and prepare fascinating things like Grilled Jamaican Jerk Tempeh.
. . . I could eat bacon and goat cheese daily (thus negating previous wish).
. . . I could ban the phrases ‘throw under the bus,’ ‘not here to make friends,’ and ‘stabbing me in the back’ from all reality television.
. . . I could ban any reality television that don’t involve a competition that involves real skills (this would not apply to any Housewives or ANTM).
. . . I didn’t know how mean kids can be when I see the way some of them already treat my daughter.
. . . I didn’t find my kids so annoying sometimes.
. . . I could wear slouchy boots without looking like a shepherd.
. . . I didn’t have to constantly tell my son to get his hands out of his pants.
. . . I had a better world to give my kids.
. . . I had a pot bellied pig.
. . . I had more shows to watch like Game of Thrones and Man Men.
. . . I had more time.
. . . I had a cookie from City Bakery. RIGHT NOW.
. . . I could adequately tell my friends and family how much they mean to me without turning into a crying sap.
. . . I could repeatedly ride Soarin’ at Disney World/Land.
. . . I had someone to make me coffee in the morning.
. . . I lived in a world with no need for the term ‘hate crime.’
. . . I had more stuff with my name on it.
. . . I could figure out why I keep losing my left earring, no matter the pair.
. . . I could listen to The Kinks instead of my students’ whining.
. . . I had no computer, so I wouldn’t keep messing with it.
. . . I had someone to take an artsy black and white writer photograph of me, preferably with me looking brilliant (but not troubled).
. . . I were brilliant.
. . . I had more stamps on my passport.
. . . I didn’t laugh like a donkey.
. . . I didn’t have such good (and expensive) taste in shoes.
. . . I actually liked exercise.
. . . I lived in a place that didn’t make recycling so freaking difficult.
. . . I had geographically closer friends and farther enemies.
. . . I had another cookie.