We’ve known each other a long time, since I was a child in fact. You have been part of my pop culture i dentity since those days. But after all these years, all the good times I thought we had, I have to admit something. You just aren’t that into me.
I had my first hint when you re-released the original trilogy with extra footage, forcing me to buy another set while at the same time making it so I could never see the versions I fell in love with again. Some complained; you said they were your movies and you wanted them that way. I bit my lip, told myself you were just going through a phase, and laid out my money.
When I heard you were making the prequels, I almost cried from joy. I read every article and drooled over Annie Leibowitz’s glossy teaser photos. The day Phantom Menace opened, I was in line at 6 am. When I stumbled out a few hours later, my head was ringing from the experience and I found the first thing about you I didn’t know if I could forgive. We know his name. There is no need to speak it here.
The next two movies were the true test of our relationship. I tried to cling to the good times and block out the bad. I thought, “He cares about me, he wouldn’t do this on purpose. Surely I’m more to him than a ticket price. One of these days, he’ll buy me dinner or listen to what I want or give me a nice gift in exchange for all the bills I’ve paid for him . . . I mean, not too nice. I’m not a gold digger, but something that shows he cares and doesn’t involve holding people by the lake in Naboo.”
One of these days has never come, George. And sitting in the theater a few weeks ago, when I saw that you were rererereleasing that first prequel THING in 3D, I realized that you have nothing left to give me. Your hat is empty and the rabbits have run away. I know my parting of ways will not effect you. In fact it will hurt me much more than it will hurt you. They run those marathons on Spike like twice a week. And I would be lying if I said I won’t watch every now and again. But it won’t be the same.
Thanks for exploiting one good idea for 35 years and slapping me in the face for caring by running it into the ground.
PS. Should you get tired of rereleasing movies and make a new one, please teach your actors a single pronunciation for names and planets so we don’t have another HAN/HAWN/CHEWBACCA/CHEWBAWKA/LE-UH/LAY-UH… FALCON/FAHLKON situation. Thanks.