I am one of those people who is stupid about my dogs. Not in a carry them around dressed up as prosti-tots kind of way, but in a talk to them, make up voices for them, remember to show people pictures of my kids only after they’ve seen pictures of my pups kind of way. Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, Kendra Parsons (who I wanted to be when I was 13), I present the random thoughts of the Generation Cake Canines as directed at me.
Specimen One: Charleigh Stitch Pickles Beaureguard (Border Collie-Australian Shepherd-Sith, voiced by Emperor Palpatine)
- Throw it. You just threw it? Well that was fun. Throw it again.
- Get out. Yes, you woman. I’m married to Daddy. We’re just using you to clean up after me, feed me, and protect me from the evil thunder gods.
- Speaking of . . . Yorkies and cats scare the f–k out of me. I don’t trust anything that can’t fit a tennis ball in its mouth. You can hold me then, too. Forty pounds isn’t that heavy.
- Are you sleeping? I’m not. You could throw this ball.
- I think we can both agree to drop the charade that I don’t sleep on the couch. We can keep it up when Daddy’s around, but you and I know better.
- The stairs are mine. I pooped on them the day we moved in, all thirteen of them. If you try to climb them, even holding a baby and a laundry basket, I will bark at you and try to herd you.
- Same is true of the path from our front door to the mail box. That’s mine.
- If that other dog that you insist lives here gets out and comes around to the front door to be let in, I’m going to try to distract you. It’s just the wind.
- No, I don’t remember where I put my ball. It’s your job to find it and I’m going to cry at you until you do.
- It’s no use moving your foot to get it out from under my limp form on the end of your bed. I’ll just groan and roll until I find it again.
Specimen Two: Perdita Jewel (Pit Bull-Dalamtian, deaf and epileptic, voiced by Jimmy Stewart)
- If I see someone riding a bicycle or motorcycle without a helmet, I am going to bark. It’s not safe.
- I know you claim that there is a big long tail attached to my butt; however, I do not believe you. Therefore, I do not need to watch where I swing it and I can bite that white thing that keeps following me.
- No, I will never sleep through the night.
- No, I do not smoke doobies when you are not home. I just have a natural squint.
- While we are on the subject, I can’t stop giving you the sad eyes. They are the only eyes I have.
- I do not want people in my house who are not my family. And I don’t understand what excessive force means.
- Remember that when the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Salesmen come to the door. I’m so good you won’t have to say a word, just open the door holding me by the collar.
- It’s none of your business what I’m barking at even though I’m deaf. Why don’t you worry about yourself?
- I like dog food. Not garbage with cute pictures on it. And real bones from a cow. Or just a cow will work, too. I will not eat any type of fish. I don’t eat things that pee where they live.
- Bubble baths smell good and involve my mommy. I’m getting in. I don’t understand how fifty pounds will displace water.
Until next time, Cakesters.
And if you get a chance, check out my new blog specifically dedicated to reading and writing.